Sixteen is Not Sixteen: Revisiting an Old Post about Teens, Sex, and Maturity
From 1999-2007, I served as a youth leader at All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena. In that capacity, I co-taught confirmation classes, and I helped run the Wednesday Night High School Group.
All my youth group “kids” are grown now; the oldest are pushing 40, the youngest, 28. I am still friends with many of them, who honor me by letting me be a witness to their lives. Several are now married, or parents. We are, in a very real sense, peers.
One wrote to me just the other day to ask if, as the father of a daughter on the cusp of adolescence, I still held my same views about teens and sex.
For reference, I wrote this on my old blog, way back in the dim mists of April, 2004:
Last night, we let the teens write questions, anonymously, on small slips of paper, and we put them in a box. (It was not in fact, a box — rather a large plastic tub that until recently had contained Red Vines.) The adults then picked questions out at random, and we did our best to answer them.
The first question I got: "What do you really think about us having sex at our age?"
I gulped, uttered a silent prayer for inspiration, and began to think aloud:
“Y’all, when I look at you, it isn't possible for me to see you as a group of generic teenagers. When I look at this room, I don't just see 15, 16, and 17 year-olds. I see people whose individual stories I know. Some of you I've known just a little while; some of you I've known since you were bratty little sixth-graders. When I look at you (pointing around the room), I see (names changed), Michael, not a sophomore boy. I see Brittani, not a senior girl; I see Janae and Brent and Alexa and Rick, not just four random kids sitting on a couch. And though you are all alike in so many countless ways, you're also fundamentally different people with different needs and different histories. The more I work with you, and the better I know your stories, the less I feel comfortable handing out a one-size-fits-all moral agenda with any confidence. In truth, while I think in general it is sometimes better to wait before taking on the enormous responsibilities and consequences of sex, I know full well that some of you are simply "readier" than others. I'm not going to name names, of course! But I can't help but see you as individuals with different desires and different levels of maturity and emotional preparedness. Bottom line: some of you probably are ready, and others of you are not, and the worst thing I could do would be to deny that difference.
My old youth grouper — who is now, I note, the exact same age as Victoria — had been there that night 16 years ago, and had read that subsequent blogpost the next day, and had been, she said, deeply comforted by those words.
What she wanted to know, however, was whether these had been the musings of a childless man? Or would I say the same thing now, to Heloise and, in time, to David?
I wrote back with gratitude for my old friend’s memory. Yes, I said; I still believe this to be true. My daughter is not quite 12, and most certainly not ready. When she will be ready will depend on countless things, however, and I may not be privy to all of them. Her ‘ready’ will probably not be mine, in any case — but if Heloise does choose to confide in me for counsel, I hope to God I’m able to give her an answer rooted more in what I know of her than my own fears and experiences.
It’s good to be challenged by old friends, and it’s good to be ready to change one’s mind. For someone who has changed his mind about many things, it is something of a relief to realize that my old intuition about teens, sex, and individual differences remains unchanged.