Hugo - I always enjoy reading your pieces, as you are a fantastic communicator with written words. This one, however, gave me some much-needed insight about why I have been happily married for almost 30 years - and also some clues about why there have been times when I have not been happy in this marriage.
Your ability to take apart and examine yourself has always been remarkable - and I especially appreciate that this piece carries no flavor of self-castigation that I can see. I wish you continued and growing contentment with yourself, in whatever relational circumstances.
Interesting read with astute observations and a cautionary tale.
I guess the authour's romantic problems stem from too much academia, and not enough boys time.
Masculine boys will punish the flamboyant mannerisms displayed by the author, and thus hopefully turn each other into men that behave in a way that is conducive to maintaining female attraction.
It used to be like that for me in my teens. Some time in my twenties it clicked and I realised I can become one of them by embracing the defiant wildness I once had as a little boy. For me it was not imitation, but rediscovering what was buried my beneath female-centred education.
Good stuff. I've never heard about a guy having that prediliction, but I certainly understand why your women all left you. I find baby talk to anybody but a baby or puppy to be off-putting in the extreme. It's a visceral disgust. My 11 year-old son does it sometimes, he'll tell me he loves me in a singsong baby voice, and it gets a frown from me. It has this manipulative feel, like he doesn't really mean it, like he is play-acting. In the last few years I've come to trust my disgust sensitivity and not try to apologize for it.
Absolutely! And I think if it’s worth it to someone to overcome a habit for the sake of a relationship, they should have a go. I’ve counted the cost. I’ll pay the price.
What an analytical & courageous approach to share with your readers.
I’ll be with my husband 25 years in March ‘24. I have no clue behind how or why. All I know is, I am with him because I want to and not because I have to.
I'm confused. This just feels like a long description of someone who needs to do some very serious personal work. Not just for a potential partner. Mostly for himself.
You gave up to soon Hugo. PUA techniques are training wheels. They are meant to guide you until the attractive behaviours you feign become natural and instinctive, like riding a bike. Who you are is not set in stone, you can change improve become better. Of course change is hard and at first unnatural, until it isn't and you have become what you were pretending to be.
I prefer to make those changes in the gym, now. This post wasn’t a lament. I accept celibacy. It was intended to explain to friends and family h something I’ve gladly accepted for myself: I’m out of the game. Retired from sex and love. Focused on authenticity and taking care of my kids.
If I really wanted a relationship yet again, I’d make the necessary changes. The cost is too expensive. I choose not to pay it. People don’t get it, and I hoped this would explain why.
Hugo - I always enjoy reading your pieces, as you are a fantastic communicator with written words. This one, however, gave me some much-needed insight about why I have been happily married for almost 30 years - and also some clues about why there have been times when I have not been happy in this marriage.
Your ability to take apart and examine yourself has always been remarkable - and I especially appreciate that this piece carries no flavor of self-castigation that I can see. I wish you continued and growing contentment with yourself, in whatever relational circumstances.
Thank you so much, my dear old friend!
Interesting read with astute observations and a cautionary tale.
I guess the authour's romantic problems stem from too much academia, and not enough boys time.
Masculine boys will punish the flamboyant mannerisms displayed by the author, and thus hopefully turn each other into men that behave in a way that is conducive to maintaining female attraction.
I got beat up by plenty of bullies. I time, I did learn to imitate them. I never wanted to be like them.
Like I said, it’s a trade off with which I’m content now.
It used to be like that for me in my teens. Some time in my twenties it clicked and I realised I can become one of them by embracing the defiant wildness I once had as a little boy. For me it was not imitation, but rediscovering what was buried my beneath female-centred education.
I have seen that. I learned to fake it very well. I grew so I could be at ease outwardly in the company of men, but it never “took.”
Now I coach my son’s teams and am just grateful he’s nothing like what I was at his age.
That's a nice twist. All the best for your son.
Good stuff. I've never heard about a guy having that prediliction, but I certainly understand why your women all left you. I find baby talk to anybody but a baby or puppy to be off-putting in the extreme. It's a visceral disgust. My 11 year-old son does it sometimes, he'll tell me he loves me in a singsong baby voice, and it gets a frown from me. It has this manipulative feel, like he doesn't really mean it, like he is play-acting. In the last few years I've come to trust my disgust sensitivity and not try to apologize for it.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing. It was a good read.
Absolutely! And I think if it’s worth it to someone to overcome a habit for the sake of a relationship, they should have a go. I’ve counted the cost. I’ll pay the price.
Hugo,
What an analytical & courageous approach to share with your readers.
I’ll be with my husband 25 years in March ‘24. I have no clue behind how or why. All I know is, I am with him because I want to and not because I have to.
I love that!
I'm confused. This just feels like a long description of someone who needs to do some very serious personal work. Not just for a potential partner. Mostly for himself.
Honestly I’m confused too - as to how this piece that I wrote for my own little Substack went viral.
You gave up to soon Hugo. PUA techniques are training wheels. They are meant to guide you until the attractive behaviours you feign become natural and instinctive, like riding a bike. Who you are is not set in stone, you can change improve become better. Of course change is hard and at first unnatural, until it isn't and you have become what you were pretending to be.
I prefer to make those changes in the gym, now. This post wasn’t a lament. I accept celibacy. It was intended to explain to friends and family h something I’ve gladly accepted for myself: I’m out of the game. Retired from sex and love. Focused on authenticity and taking care of my kids.
If I really wanted a relationship yet again, I’d make the necessary changes. The cost is too expensive. I choose not to pay it. People don’t get it, and I hoped this would explain why.
As long as you are happy.
I’m happy with THIS decision, which is not quite the same thing.