If you don't know it, have a look at Jennifer Michael Hecht's book, _Stay_. It's a really fascinating survey of religious and ethical arguments against suicide drawn from multiple cultures and eras. The book grew from a viral blog post in 2010, which is a lot more personal and raw. Here's the key quote from the post: "I’m issuing a rule. You are not allowed to kill yourself. You are going to like this, stay with me. When a person kills himself, he does wrenching damage to the community. One of the best predictors of suicide is knowing a suicide. That means that every suicide is also a delayed homicide. You have to stay." I find it really helpful to come back to her writing every so often as a way of reminding myself that, yeah, that particular exit is going to have to stay closed for me, despite whatever despair, self-loathing, and madness.
One thing that strikes me in your piece is that there's a kind of undertone of gendered shame. (You have no idea who I am, but I've followed your online career for a long time, and I'm aware that gendered shame is something you've had occasion to reflect on.) There's talk about disgrace, heroes, and gentlemen.
A message I've picked up my whole life is that a real man doesn't buckle under the weight of day-to-day existence; he just does what needs to be done. If he's suffering, he damn well doesn't bitch about it. That creates a pretty deadly vicious cycle sometimes, as follows: I feel shame. Then I feel so much shame that I start thinking about offing myself. Then I talk about my suicidality, which exposes me to more shame. Or I shut up and fake it, which isolates me and breeds more shame.
In my journey over the past several years, I’ve come across the work of Dr. Kelly Posner from Columbia University where she has developed an effective tool she affectionately calls “the Columbia” that allows mere mortals to assess and help anyone with desires to hurt themselves. It’s worth learning about. I often carry the Columbia questions with me in the chance that I might be that someone that signals they care enough to not give permission. https://cssrs.columbia.edu/the-columbia-scale-c-ssrs/about-the-scale/
If you don't know it, have a look at Jennifer Michael Hecht's book, _Stay_. It's a really fascinating survey of religious and ethical arguments against suicide drawn from multiple cultures and eras. The book grew from a viral blog post in 2010, which is a lot more personal and raw. Here's the key quote from the post: "I’m issuing a rule. You are not allowed to kill yourself. You are going to like this, stay with me. When a person kills himself, he does wrenching damage to the community. One of the best predictors of suicide is knowing a suicide. That means that every suicide is also a delayed homicide. You have to stay." I find it really helpful to come back to her writing every so often as a way of reminding myself that, yeah, that particular exit is going to have to stay closed for me, despite whatever despair, self-loathing, and madness.
One thing that strikes me in your piece is that there's a kind of undertone of gendered shame. (You have no idea who I am, but I've followed your online career for a long time, and I'm aware that gendered shame is something you've had occasion to reflect on.) There's talk about disgrace, heroes, and gentlemen.
A message I've picked up my whole life is that a real man doesn't buckle under the weight of day-to-day existence; he just does what needs to be done. If he's suffering, he damn well doesn't bitch about it. That creates a pretty deadly vicious cycle sometimes, as follows: I feel shame. Then I feel so much shame that I start thinking about offing myself. Then I talk about my suicidality, which exposes me to more shame. Or I shut up and fake it, which isolates me and breeds more shame.
Stay (book): https://www.amazon.com/dp/0300209363
Jennifer Michael Hecht's post: https://thebestamericanpoetry.typepad.com/the_best_american_poetry/2010/01/on-suicide-by-jennifer-michael-hecht.html
Nathan, I dont know her work but that quote blows me away. My goodness. Thank you. And the gendered nature of this shame is absolutely right.
I can’t do it. I want to, but I’m not allowed, and it exhausts people to talk about it, so… grin and bear it.
In my journey over the past several years, I’ve come across the work of Dr. Kelly Posner from Columbia University where she has developed an effective tool she affectionately calls “the Columbia” that allows mere mortals to assess and help anyone with desires to hurt themselves. It’s worth learning about. I often carry the Columbia questions with me in the chance that I might be that someone that signals they care enough to not give permission. https://cssrs.columbia.edu/the-columbia-scale-c-ssrs/about-the-scale/
Oh, my heart. Yes.