Yes, I suppose I need to be much more precise here. The blow-up of the summer of 2013 was the consequence of what I'd returned to in February 2008, three months before we conceived Heloise. My self-immolation was my inability to contain my guilt over what had already been going on for five and a half years.
I think I was very good at compartmentalizing. And I also had this hope that maybe a child would make everything better, and somehow transform me. I was right in a sense, as I wouldn't be here any more if I hadn't had kids. I did love Eira too - an affair is not proof of the inadequacy of our love; it was proof of my own self-destructiveness and my hunger for validation.
I’m not interested in a hostile relitigation of 2013. Eira did discover I was having affairs, but not with students. Her discovery set in motion a complete collapse that included my unprompted confession that some of my affairs had also been with students.
I do think that in the absence of any complaint from any student I slept with, I should not have been forced out. The college presumed harm without any evidence other than my confessions. That’s too low a bar for a lifetime ban.
But what’s done is done. Because I know I’ll never teach again even if I say what I did was unethical, I’m liberated from the obligation to pretend otherwise.
I assure you, it is possible to love deeply while leading a double life. Transparency is not the prerequisite for devotion. Your mileage may vary.
That's a good catch, Purple. Thank you.
Yes, I suppose I need to be much more precise here. The blow-up of the summer of 2013 was the consequence of what I'd returned to in February 2008, three months before we conceived Heloise. My self-immolation was my inability to contain my guilt over what had already been going on for five and a half years.
I think I was very good at compartmentalizing. And I also had this hope that maybe a child would make everything better, and somehow transform me. I was right in a sense, as I wouldn't be here any more if I hadn't had kids. I did love Eira too - an affair is not proof of the inadequacy of our love; it was proof of my own self-destructiveness and my hunger for validation.
I’m not interested in a hostile relitigation of 2013. Eira did discover I was having affairs, but not with students. Her discovery set in motion a complete collapse that included my unprompted confession that some of my affairs had also been with students.
I do think that in the absence of any complaint from any student I slept with, I should not have been forced out. The college presumed harm without any evidence other than my confessions. That’s too low a bar for a lifetime ban.
But what’s done is done. Because I know I’ll never teach again even if I say what I did was unethical, I’m liberated from the obligation to pretend otherwise.
I assure you, it is possible to love deeply while leading a double life. Transparency is not the prerequisite for devotion. Your mileage may vary.